I married Festus when I was 13. My daddy and mama kept tellin' me I was gonna end up bein' a spinster lady like ol' Aunt Tillie Rae if I didn't hurry up and catch me a fella. They kept tellin' me before I knew it I'd be 17 just like Tillie Rae, and what man would want me then? But I was stubborn as an ox and wanted to go to college and get me a batchelures degree. Daddy told me I'd have to get outta second grade first before I got me any high falutin' ideas 'bout going off to college though. So, when I was 12 I dropped outta George Wallace Elementary School and Festus started courtin' me.

We got us two sons now. Cletus T. is like one o' them boy in the plastic bubble kids, 'ceptin' he ain't never gonna get no bigger. Little King is our oldest boy. We started callin' him Little King cuz of his love for The King, Elvis A. Presley. Matter of fact, Little King's first words was "hound dog." We don't even remember Little King's real name no more, but he don't seem to mind.

I can't be forgettin' Festus Jr. He ain't our blood kin. He's a little fella who started hangin' out by the trailer one day and he just took a shine to us. He started callin' hisself Festus Jr. and, well, since he's cute as a bug's ear, and he slops the hogs down at Bosephus's place when Festus is down in his back, Festus and me didn't mind. Little King don't seem to mind neither and it don't make no never mind to Cletus T. one way or t' other.

I don't figure there's nothin' else that would be interestin' enough to write here 'ceptin' one thing. We got ourselves the biggest, the best, the most comprehensible collection of velvet Elvises in Opelousas County. Stop by and see it sometime. We're the third trailer on the left. We'll even supply the pork rinds, that is if the food stamps hold out.