Howdy y'all! I'm Festus Joe Shark and I'm here to tell y'all a little bout muhself. Ya see, I was born to my mama and my pappy. My mama was almost an old maid. Luckily, my pappy came along and snatched her up at the age of 15.

I graduated from the 3rd grade and went on to work at the recyclin' plant. I was the head can crusher. The boss man forced me to quit tho after he saw that I was gettin' drunk on the beer left in the cans. It weren't good beer tho. Tain't nothin' like the king of beers - Pabst Blue Ribbon.

After my stint down at the recyclin' plant, I met me a woman. She's the purtiest thing I ever did seen! She's even got almost all her teeth! Woooo doggies! Bertha Mae was a high falutin' type from across the tracks. She was the star student at George Wallace Elmentary school in the 2nd grade. So I knew I had to find me a better payin' job in order to keep a woman like Bertha Mae happy. So, I gots me a job over at the dairy with Bubba J. I done showed a real knack for all that there cow workin' and soon I was the head teat handler!

With all the money I was gettin' from the dairy, I bought me and Bertha Mae a new trailer. It ain't new really, but it's only 28 years old and been in the family the whole time. It's a gen-U-ine hair loom! Everythin' was comin' up roses with me and Bertha Mae until one day down to the dairy. Bubba J thought it'd be right funny if we tipped over ol' Bessie Mae the heiffer one afternoon. Bessie Mae din't agree. To make a long story short, I'm down in my back and ain't been up to workin' since.

Bertha Mae don't seem to mind none that I ain't got me a job no more. In fact, we gets all kinds of welfare from the county. I just gots to be careful when I'm out shootin' cans with Bubba J that the social worker don't come by for a surprise visit.

Oh I pert near forgot! We gots us two sons. Little King and Cletus T. Best damn kids you ever did see'd! Little King is gonna make me a rich man one day. Soon as he gets discovered by some Hollywood movie star agent. Ya see, Little King is the BEST Elvis Aaron Presley impersonator this side of heaven! Wooooo doogies can that boy sing! And Cletus T., well, he's a sickly type. Ain't moved but a frogs hair in a month! That's ok by us tho. The welfare takes care of him.

I best be gettin' on now. Bertha Mae said she gots somethin' to tell me. No tellin' what it might be. She's been down to the Diner again today.